 | Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. |
| You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. |
| You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. |
| You sleep with your eyes open. |
| You have to watch videos in fast-forward. |
| You lick your coffeepot clean. |
| Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. |
| The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. |
| You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. |
| You can jump-start your car without cables. |
| Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." |
| You don't sweat, you percolate. |
| You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug. |
| You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. |
| You've worn the finish off you coffee table. |
| The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. |
| Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house. |
| You're so wired you pick up FM radio. |
| Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans." |
| Instant coffee takes too long. |
| You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. |
| You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." |
| Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. |
| Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. |